My Brilliant Week-Old Nephew
posted by Amy

The baby who made me an auntie has arrived, and as expected, he is both beautiful and brilliant. Read on for the evidence, an email he sent me just a few days after his birth:

I've only got a minute before they're done arguing about what cute little outfit to drape over me for our first trip in that ridiculously over-priced stroller they bought "for me." So I'll keep this short: HELP ME!!

These people are crazy. They won't put me down, won't let me sleep at night, keep shoving breasts in my face or rubbing some cold gooey stuff on my very sore penis (which I'm pretty sure they paid someone to mutilate, by the way). But worst of all they follow me around day and night videotaping everything I do.

And don't think for a second that those are authentically spontaneous. That shampoo video took over four hours to shoot. We did seventeen takes before they got one that look appropriately "amateurish" for that absurd blog. I don't know if they think they're going to somehow profit from that low-rent website, but you can be sure I won't see a penny of it if they do. I know that by the way they've been whoring me out for free meals ever since we got home from the hospital and haven't given me a single bite of salami sandwich, quiche, or peanut butter cup ice cream.

I've got to go-- I hear them coming! You can write me here, this address is safe, but don't call the house for me. Just get me outta here!

Your nephew in distress,