Unrealistic Expectations: The Worst Mummy-Offending TV Ads
by Louise Gallagher
Before television, the only comparison most mothers could make as to how they were bringing up their babies was with the woman next door. Today, however, we are bombarded with images of perfectly serene mothers tending to their deliciously perfect new babies. This is blatantly unfair.
You may be able to dodge the beatific images on parenting magazines by cultivating an obsessive interest in freshwater fishing when passing magazine stands. Avoiding television advertisements, however, can prove more difficult—springing up as they do, when you're affixed to a breastfeeding baby whose older brother has just run off with the remote. Worst Offending TV Ads 1. The one where the wide-awake baby falls to sleep just because Mummy turns the mobile on. More likely scenario: The mobile has finished the 100th rendition of its irritating little ditty and you have just finished slowly removing your hand from your baby's back, having ceased rubbing it eons ago, and you are now crawling silently from the room unaware that Squeaky the Pig has just thrown himself into the path of your right knee. 2. The one where the three-month-old lies contentedly on a rug gurgling at his baby gym for long enough for his mother to complete a task. More likely scenario: Your baby will play contentedly on a rug for precisely the length of time it takes for you to do one of the following: a) Pull an overflowing bin liner halfway out of a pedal bin to the point where it gets caught, splits, and showers the kitchen floor with congealing cat food, or b) shave half a leg. 3. The one where the house looks as if it's awaiting a Mother-in-Law/Health Visitor spot check, except for the three toys strategically placed on the floor to lend that touch of 'authenticity.' More likely scenario: The amount of floor space covered by toys in the advert will be the exact proportion of free space available on yours. 4. The one where the mother feeding the baby a healthy breakfast, appears awake and alert. More likely scenario: You'll appear likely to sign any confession that was put in front of you. 5. The one where the cough medicine works. More likely scenario: The 5ml that you finally manage to get Baby to swallow will have no effect whatsoever, whilst the previous dozen attempts will end up in your hair, the baby's hair or, thanks to those handy little syringes, on the ceiling. 6. The one where the adorable little baby is seen mischievously making some terrible mess in an otherwise pristine environment, at which Mummy shakes her head in mock reproach with that air that says, "Oh gosh, how cute are you, you little tinker…" More likely scenario: Baby is busy making said terrible mess whilst Mummy has her back turned scraping one of the previous seventeen terrible messes off the floor with a chisel. 7. The one where the new mother sits at home wearing makeup and ironed clothes. More likely scenario: We're thinking—Jack Nicholson after the shock treatment in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Five ways to deal with vindictively misleading television advertisements: 1. Ignore them completely.
2. Assume each one is being ironic.
3. Make a list of them and boycott their products.
4. Throw soggy breast pads at the screen.
Or,
5. If the above don't make you feel any better, try repeating the following mantra to yourself:
Louise Gallagher lives in Brighton, England with her husband and two children, Ellen and Beth. Still waiting for her domestic gene to kick in, she spends much of her time pretending to write just to avoid cleaning the fridge. A smalltime children's poet and author of Nappygate (from which this piece is excerpted), more of her writing can be found at Fabulous Mother. If you are stateside and interested in purchasing Gallagher's Nappygate, you can order it direct from Fabulous Mother. Louise has offered to send out signed copies to mamazine.com readers and waive the international postage. 
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