Kristin and David Van Tassel live in Salina, Kansas with their two sons, Cedar (6) and Luke Oak (4). Kristen teaches writing and American literature at Bethany College (Lindsborg, KS) and David works as a plant breeder at The Land Institute (Salina, KS).

mamazine.com: Before you had Cedar, how did you think you'd split the responsibilities involved in caring for a baby and what role does gender play in your decisions about caregiving? What, if anything, surprised you after his birth in terms of sharing caregiving tasks?

Kristin: David and I always knew we both wanted to be deeply involved in the raising of our children. We wanted to do as much of it as possible ourselves, and we wanted to share childcare responsibilities equally. And to be honest, David has always been more of a "kid person" than me. As long as we've been married, whenever we spent time with friends who had children, David would be on the floor romping around with the kids. Sometimes he spent more time at these gatherings with the kids than the adults. So I had full confidence in his abilities to be an engaged father--more confidence in his parenting abilities than mine, probably.

What surprised us both, I believe, was the extent to which infancy is a very mother-oriented time. I was breastfeeding, and Cedar was a voracious nursling--nursing every few hours for many months. While the first several weeks after birth were pretty rough (I'd had some complications from my emergency c-section), I was genuinely surprised by how much I loved the intensive intimacy of mothering and nursing a newborn. I think David felt a little out of the loop, like the third wheel, which is not something we'd expected.

I remember when Cedar was just a few weeks old, David put him in a baby carrier and took him out to the garden so I'd have time to sleep. But the carrier was too big and Cedar flopped around in it, and it was summertime, so both Cedar and David were hot and sweaty within minutes, and it just didn't work, this father-son bonding time. However, once Cedar was 4 months old (and after we'd discovered slings, "The next best thing to nursing," David always said), it was easier for David to assume a larger role in actual childcare.

David: But it is true that there are times that babies and toddlers need their mother and Daddy just can't provide what is needed. I've observed this happening to other young fathers and I've concluded that we dads mustn't take this personally. By age three or four, Cedar wanted his dad and not his mother for some needs and activities. This bond has continued to develop and I see it starting with his little brother.

mamazine.com: How is paid and unpaid work balanced in your household, and what creative ways have you come up with sharing or breaking up the responsibilities of both?

Kristin: I was in graduate school and teaching part-time when Cedar was born (in Mid-May of 1999), and David was working full time. David's employer gave him a very generous paternity leave--four weeks--which David chose to save and use at the end of the summer when I went back to work. He stayed home the two mornings a week I was at school. But when the paternity leave was gone, we faced difficulty in finding good, consistent part-time childcare. So David suggested he continue staying home two mornings a week. Fortunately, he has an extraordinarily flexible, supportive employer--he works for a small nonprofit--that was willing to let him work 3/4 and still receive his family health care benefits.

After our second son was born, I stopped teaching and used the two mornings each week that David was home to work on my dissertation research and writing. I also spent most of the weekends on my own schoolwork.

Once I finished my Ph.D., David and I were accustomed to his 3/4 schedule. I taught part-time for two years and David continued to watch the kids on the mornings I taught.

David: There's a lot of unpaid work such as cleaning, cooking, gardening, and home repairs/improvement that can be done at the same time as childcare. Obviously, throughout history parents have had to work around the homestead while simultaneously minding the children. Sometimes we get the impression that caregivers are supposed to be exclusively sitting on the floor playing with the children or leading them in educational crafts. First, I believe that this is a good formula for parental insanity. If you let them, the kids will have you making the stuffed animals talk to each other for hours. You will snap. Second, it may not be good for young kids to be given constant attention. Kristin and I want our boys to learn that the world does not revolve around them, to develop the ability to be self-entertaining, and, finally, to learn work skills and habits.

mamazine.com: Has access to childcare been an issue for you at all?

Kristin: Although Salina is a fairly decent-sized community (50,000) the childcare options are fairly limited. There are a few formal childcare facilities, such as one offered through the YMCA, which have trained childcare providers and organized developmental activities, but these programs are not available on a part-time basis. Most of what is available is home-based. While home-childcare providers are more flexible and often warm, trustworthy people, we've found that the TV is on a lot--and on almost everywhere, which troubles us.

Just this summer my parents moved up from Wichita to a house a mile away from us. This has been wonderful for us, particularly since I'm just starting a tenure-track job, as my mom watches Luke Oak 3 1/2 days a week. David continues to be at home one day or two mornings a week.

mamazine.com: How do you share the work of caring for your home?

Kristin: David has always done most of the cooking, even before we had children, and that has continued. (He's a much better cook than I am!) I do most of the cleaning, primarily because I have a lower tolerance for disorder. This usually works pretty well. Sometimes if there is a larger cleaning job to do, I'll ask David to help, and he's always willing to do so. We live on a farm, so there is always a lot of work to do outside, and David carries the bulk of the responsibility for that outdoor work. Now that the boys are older, they can help us with more. Cedar is six, and he is able to do a lot. He can feed the animals, sort the recycling, set and clear the table. So we depend on our kids to help us, too.

I started my full-time teaching job a month ago, and we've found we have to be more systematic about dividing chores. After talking about it for years, we finally sat down and made a list of all the indoor and outdoor chores, designating who would cover which one when. We put the chart on the fridge. So far, it seems to be working.

mamazine.com: How do you both claim time for yourselves among your busy work/family life?

Kristin: This is an ongoing challenge. But in the summers, I have a great deal of flexibility, and that is when I do most of my reading and writing for pleasure.

David: Before Kristin has a chance to "out" me, I want to admit that that my bathroom breaks have become longer. I do a good bit of my reading in small installments. The bathroom is a rare opportunity for solitude.

mamazine.com:How did having your second child change family life and all its responsibilities for you?

Kristin: When Luke Oak was born, I stopped my adjunct teaching. Otherwise, our schedule was similar to what it had been before.

David: For the first couple of years the two-child family is much more work than the one-child family. The two kids have such different needs and abilities. We found that at a certain point, probably when Luke Oak could talk fairly well, things got easier than ever. The boys were able to amuse each other for short periods of time and were less dependent upon us for attention and company.

mamazine.com:What advice would you give to a couple expecting their first child?

Kristin: Be realistic about the ways your life will change, and expect the unexpected. Before Cedar was born, I imagined myself working at my computer while my baby slumbered peacefully in the cradle beside me. This, of course, was a ridiculous notion, as any mother will tell you. Babies are unpredictable, as is life. I suffered from postpartum depression after Luke Oak was born, which was not something I'd expected. I found I had to adjust my expectations for myself and what I could accomplish.

Be willing to ask for help. Be willing to adjust the time in which you plan to achieve certain goals.

mamazine.com: Considering the society and culture we live in as parents today, what one thing would you change that would make parenting easier for you or would make you feel more supported as a parent?

Kristin: Providing organized, reliable, healthy childcare options in all segments of our lives would be good. Even "progressive" insitutitions have failed to help parents in real ways. For example, I'd like to see a childcare center on every university campus for students, faculty, and staff. The last semester I was in graduate school I was going to New Mexico to present a paper at a conference focusing on rural women's issues. I was nursing Luke at the time and had never been away from him for more than four hours at a time, so I wanted to take him along. When I inquired about childcare options, I learned there were none! At a conference focused on women and comprised almost entirely of women! This is unacceptable, and even more so among progressive feminists.

David: Living in the country, our kids spend a good bit of time outdoors. However, in rainy and/or cold weather it is sometimes difficult to find inexpensive activities that get us all out of the house. Young kids have so much energy and need to run around and do new and interesting things. We make good use of the public library, which has an excellent children's department . But on holidays and weekends even these family-friendly places are closed. In desperation I've violated my lofty principles and taken them to the "PlayPlace" at McDonalds. We need junk food-free places for kids to romp after dark and in poor weather. I've dreamed of neighborhood family activity centers with indoor jungle gyms and ping pong or board games for the older kids.

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