April 21, 2008

Free at last?

I bought Aria a conversion bed for her crib. I put it together today. She is sleeping in her own bed AS WE SPEAK. It is 9:41 and I am up, by myself, not forced to a toddler time turn in because I couldn't (too lazy to do the work) get her to sleep without me.

And let me tell you I am totally depressed. And scared. As I was putting it together and seeing how happy she was I was thinking "What the fuck have i done???" and, "What do i do now?" I am going to be all alone in my bed. Ok, fine, so I might actually sleep through the night without her screaming nightmares, the ones I try to deconstruct with her while she sleeps (she shouts, totally asleep "I do dat! I do dat!" I say "Do what? Do what?' going all Freud and Miracle Worker on her ass.) And then the kicking. And the early morning demands for books, books, books. (I tempted to try and explain that reading IS BAD in the morning, but that just felt like child cruelty).

So. Big whoop. I hate sleep anyway. Mostly because I suck at it and I hate things I suck at like card games and sports with balls and pretending to care about winning at Scrabble. I'm up most of the time anyway usually in one of my classic loops about another stupid way in which I've made a fool of myself somehow, or doing the math of how much money I will save if I cut out home delivery of The New York Times, or wondering if I can go on Welfare (my mom's idea!) if I have a car lease that is $400/ month. In other words, sleeping with Aria made sleep even more of an Olympiad struggle but it least I got to do it with the only good thing I got going now. (aw, don't cry for me, I can't even cry for myself).

What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking: I was thinking I am SUPPOSED to not be sleeping with her, because Chelsea sent me that article from Time, and Kayla told me I will never ever get a boyfriend that way, ya know, cozing into bed with her like a new lover every night. Getting all thrilled to snuggle up and nuzzle cheek to cheek, all yummy and all that nauseating stuff you don't need to hear about how delicious it all is and how cute when she demands "Light off." I won't get into that. But FUCK! What have I done? And now I can't go back! She loved her new bed tonight. She was asleep in minutes without a whimper. She practically kicked me out.

Now I have NO excuse for not writing. NO excuse for not painting. And no excuse for all the things I say I can't do (HAVE-A-LIFE) because Aria won't sleep without me. I've been sprung from my cozy little prison of my own creation. SHIT.

Fuck you Oeuf. Fuck you Psychobaby.com for that great sale you had on the conversion kit and the free fucking shipping. That free shipping was what pushed me over the edge.

And it's so damn small I could barely fit on that damn bed to read books to her. Hey, maybe I'll return it. Get a bigger bed. A twin. One I can fit on. That way I can read her books and who knows, maybe fall asleep in her bed??

April 22, 2008

American Idol is messin' us up.

It's 8:14 PM.

Am I reading books to Aria in bed, bringing the energy down, talking in soft soothing tones with the lights dimmed?

Uh, no. We are whooping it up to American Idol.

Now that I have cut down my phone bill, cancelled The New York Times and CUT OFF MY CABLE—this means there is no TIVO and I gotta get my Idol on LIVE.

So, here we are, watching Jason Castro massacre "Memory," Aria purring with her freshly shampooed head on my lap and working our way through a tub of Trader Joe's cat cookies. All while wondering how old Paula looks in the portrait she's got stashed in her closet. And of course who the hell her dermatologist is.

This is what I call a classic SMF night!

KAPLUNK!

11:41 pm last night. I'm still trying to catch up to life. Writing. Emailing. Setting up my in-store kid portrait event at Juvie. Trying to find BABYSITTERS as I will be working all day that day.

and....KA-FUCKING-PLUNK!

Aria fell out of that mofo bed!

Hooray!

I scooped her up, "Ya wanna go back to sleep in your bed or mommy's bed?"

"MOMMY'S BED!"

"Ya sure? You don't want to go back to sleep in your new bed?"

"MOOMMMMMYYY'S BEEEDDDD!!!"

Ok, so that was that.

I'm sorry Sleepy Planet. Yes, I paid $600 to learn to sleep train her. And I followed all the rules. And it worked. But that was when I was still with Baby Daddy. I like to cuddle. And have you noticed how COLD it's been lately? So Aria and I spooned all night long. Of course I didn't get a wink as she was screaming out for milk, cookies, crackers in her sleep. But who cares. I just cannot wake up without her.

Anyone need a brand new toddler bed?

May 19, 2008

Starting my biz!

So much to catch up on: toilet training (potty makes great receptacle for my cut fingernails) , Aria and her American Idol obsession, Aria gets mani-pedi and complains that it's "broken" when it chips, Aria gets into preschool (what did I, for ONCE, do right?). Most importantly this mommy has been hard at work starting a business so i can pay for food at Trader Joe's for us to eat....

I am going to DRIVE ON THE FREEWAY today, yes, you heard me, drive on the freeway, which i hate like sharp knives and the LA Times....and (attempt to) take Aria to the Long Beach Aquarium.

XO