OCTOBER 3, 2007

not complete randomness but...my latest thoughts

ok, look, i'm writing as i'm watching dr. 90210 (kid got a firework to the eye! i'm holding my breath it's so freaky) and reading the latest new york (not new yorker, too much work) magazine...so keep that in mind when my sentence crafting starts to ddrrifffttt into ugly territory. see? like right there... downright fug.

went to get a potty today at target. all i can say is, 'what the fuck?' these things were tiny, plastic carnival rides. they sing, they talk, they fly. as if this house need another hideous electronic red and blue plastic thingy that talks back to me. now i gotta scour online for something that won't go beep in the night when i trip over it like everything else around here.

dating is a bore. i mean, i'm not actually dating, dating, but virtual dating. i'm less that enchanted with the process. talked to one guy on the phone recently. after a few emails, i thought okay, give him my number...(says he's) an architect. meanwhile, his voice on the phone freaked me out. it was robotic, devoid of life or humor. i should have not even called him back but then i (actually) felt bad if i didn't just because his voice was WEIRD. anyway, it was a total waste of time. just like potty shopping.

it's all about me, of course

i have reversed the expensive and grueling sleep training i worked so hard to master. it started out innocently enough. there was that heat wave this summer. it was hot as snot in aria's room sans air conditioner and cool in mine with one. so, i took her into my bed when i went to sleep.

and that was that.

now i'm friggen' hooked. so what if she pokes me straight in the eye, uh, hard, cries out intermittently and basically keeps me up half the night kicking me in the head—it's heaven. there's the good stuff that outweighs it all... the heat of her head as she shoves it into an armpit... the smell of her hair: hot oatmeal cereal, molasses, pancakes—fucking YUM... ooh, and the feel of her feet and toes when i grab and cuddle them like the worlds cutest living teddy bear...it's the closest and coziest I have ever felt to anyone. i know, i know, it's sick. but i feel complete. yes, as nauseating as it sounds. she completes me.

i don't feel like i need anyone... you get the point of what i'm saying… RIGHT?

as shane, my tv hubby says, i am getting the intimacy from my daughter that i should be getting from a man. kayla said, it's perfectly fine. as long as you know you will never, ever get a boyfriend again.

FINE. and gross.

they're right. i feel guilty about it.

but isn't this what attachment parenting is all about? maybe i'm just doing it by default? is it so wrong? why do i feel like i'm doing something horrible bad for my daughter by bringing her into my bed?

well, maybe because now, ten minutes after she's down in her crib, she is hysterical. and this basically going on until i decide it's time for me to go to bed and then bring her in with me.

oy. oy . oy.

well, i'm not giving it up anytime soon so...maybe i'll just go eat a few pints of ice cream so i can feel guilty about that instead. oh wait, i don't feel guilty about that anymore since i don't have to worry about being a fat pig in front of a MAN, so... i guess i could smoke a cigarette. that would send me over the edge of shame. maybe i'll just think about it. that feels scary enough.

OCTOBER 10, 2007

NO IS THE NEW YES

"no no no"

i know. it's the stage they're in. TODDLERITIS APPROACHETH.

no diaper. no shirt. no shoes. no dice.

aria has developed quite the personality.

i'm doing my best to teach her things. important things. that will make her life and my life s much better. like, how to give me a back a deep tissue massage, program The Hills (without reruns) to record on the DVR, how to say 'no, mommy, your tits look EXACTLY like they did before I sucked the living life out of them for 15 months... you know, the important stuff.

she still says NO NO NO!

maybe i should try teaching her some new stuff...