SEPTEMBER 20, 2007

WOMEN'S NIGHT OUT - FER REAL!

shit, the nanny leaves in 20 mins. and i have tons to write!

two days a week of nanny-dom and producing MOTHERHOODLUM episodes leaves no time to fuck around.

last night Chelsea and I were invited guests to Women's Night Out. It was super cool. Alicia Ely the host is hilarious. they showed an episode on a big screen and it was nuts to hear these huge laughs from the audience. WOW!

it was a miracle i got there at all.

had to leave at 6:30. it's 6 already. and i was still covered in all things baby. aria had to get fed, bathed and ready for bed by the time i left at 6:30 and it was 6 p.m. and we were still mid-din.

somehow, in a matter of 20 mins, i stuffed her with food (does a muffin count as dinner? whatever...), got in the shower, threw her in it with me, got her in PJ's, me in some clothes that were scrunched on the towel rack from last weeks outing but still basically clean, put oil in my hair to slick in into a ponytail (so i was not only going to give an on-stage interview and promote the show but also finagled a simultaneous deep conditioning hair treatment), threw on some make up and got out of the house by 6:35.

it was feat of modern science. and worth every minute as we had a blast. people were coming up to us wanting to e on the show.

it was awesome-!!

so what if i missed the premiere of gossip girl and had the world's worst gas from bingeing on bran crackers with sugar-free maple syrup a few hours earlier??

i managed to hold it in until we got out to the valet.

a perfect night!

SEPTEMBER 25, 2007

THE LIST!

I've been hiking up (and, uh, down) Runyon Canyon with Aria. And when my mom is not calling me in a panic that mountain lions and wild hyenas are going to swoop down from the mountaintops and steal Aria out of her stroller, I'm having a blast. I'm like Sisyphus pushing that stroller up that hill and hoping it won't roll back down on me. I'm sweating, I'm huffing, I'm about to fucking die. And I love it. The ideas start flooding and I have to call my home phone over and over and leave messages to myself of all the fun things I'm thinking up. My ass is getting poofy and round (again), which makes me happy. Aria passes out and I feel like I'm really getting her out in nature when it's really about me getting my endorphins on. But, whatever. It's grueling and I can't get enough. It's a healthy good positive torture, unlike the psychological torture I tend to put myself through—all the time—about this, that, and the other thing…you know...

And what is also so amazing about this daily hike is that it feeds me positively! It makes me feel BETTER, about myself! Why? Because for every woman whose thighs are way too far apart from each other to make anatomical sense, there is another woman who's thighs are chafing madly. For every set of frozen, freaky, fake boobies, there's another whose looks like tube socks filled with tennis balls. Pretty women with ugly boyfriends. Buffed out men with doggy girlfriends. Tired, sweaty, flabby, imperfect. REAL WOMEN. They do exist in LA. And they are hiking Runyon Canyon. Makes me feel like maybe I'm not so bad (fat, ugly, old, et. al) after all. This smelly dog-poop-filled hill is the great equalizer.

And that has me looking at looking at all the MEN up there. Seeing what's so great about THEM? And I get deep into my study of them too. Tucked beneath my wide brimmed hat and mirrored/gas station-purchased sunglasses, I stare at everyone. Damn well, I do. I'm on an anthropological study for chrissakes!

Now this gets me thinking about things that immediately turn me off, just by looking at a man. Yes, this is totally superficial and borderline ridiculous, juvenile, infantilized, but what the heck—it's fun and I'm making in into a LIST. I'll update it weekly.

Let's call it, THE LIST!

Men who run down hills.

Men who run up hills with weights on their legs.

Men who shave their body hair.

Men who name their dogs women names like Lisa or Jennifer.

Men with more than one small dog.

Men with bandanas on their heads.

Men who have more than one cat.

Men with bad toenails.

Men who sing loudly to music on their iPods.

Men who wear mirrored sunglasses.

I know, I know, it's stupid. It is. But everyday another occurs to me so I can't help but make this stupid list.